if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
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I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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