Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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