I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
