I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
