Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
