im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
