I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
