No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I currently don't understand fingers.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
