god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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