I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
