I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the day after is always just damage control
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
