any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
