I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
