I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
