so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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