She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
You're like the curious george of whores
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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