if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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