I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
