who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole