my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY