I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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