I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
