I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
