i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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