Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
