Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
