I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
