none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
