and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
