I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
