i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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