I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
