Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
