My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
