you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
