im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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