I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
