i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
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It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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