Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
