question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
