I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
