Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
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When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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