My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
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I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
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I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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