no, he came in my armpit
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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