Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
from now on my penis is your penis
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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