Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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