I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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