It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
