M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
