Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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