I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
