i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
