I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
