I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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