you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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