mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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