Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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